I like to debate. I get into debates with strangers on Facebook quite often and usually end up angry or trying to beat someone's head in with my words. I regret this and have been trying not to engage in this manner. I don't think it does any good. I usually end up just leaving the conversation and biting my fingers when the other person continues to argue. I still have a lot of room to grow, but I want to share a little of that process and what I have been learning.
The first point I have to ask myself is 'are you more interested in being "right" or making human connections and loving people?' When two people get into a debate, they are seeking a win/lose outcome usually (to convince the other person to come over to their side of the argument). That isn't good. It's not worth the "win" if someone else is left feeling defeated. And really, does anyone ever change their mind through these type of conversations?
There are times when I have sought to find common ground from which to build my case and found that we have totally different foundational truths. That befuddled me. To me truth is obvious, but I had to realize that probably everyone feels that way. We all learn truth based on our experiences. That means we can all come to a different conclusion. I do believe in ultimate truth in Jesus Christ, but that is a moot point when talking to someone who does not hold that same belief. In order to debate or even just explain your point of view, you must find common truth. I still don't have a clue what to do when the bottom line doesn't match up.
A great example of this has come up in our culture a lot lately. People from religious backgrounds that believe in the Word of God that tells them homosexuality is wrong often begin to question that truth when they find that their child, or someone else they love believes they are gay. This issue has shaken many a family. They begin to question the Bible, their faith, God... How could this person that I love, who is going through hell in their identity, be sinning? How can God be right in this situation? Their truth begins to be shaken because of their personal experience. Before they had this experience, they would argue til they're blue in the face that homosexuality is a sin.
(From my perspective, understanding both sides of this issue, I do not believe there should be a crisis of faith. I believe God's word is true, therefore, freedom must be available to the person who believes they are gay. (and btw, having the feelings is not a sin - only acting on them, just like any other sin) The family should never disown or hate their child, they should continue to love as they always have. This issue has been so divisive, but it doesn't have to be. It's just the religious mindset that says we should shun only certain kinds of sinners that is in the way. Jesus taught us to love. Truth is, we are all sinners in need of Jesus.) So in this situation, I would say the religious folk had a wrong understanding of the Bible to begin with, not in that homosexuality is listed as sin, but in that sinners should be shunned or disowned. They reach a place of realizing that their heart won't let them shun the child and instead of realizing shunning isn't called for in the Bible, they decide the Bible is wrong about homosexuality. But still, my point is that personal experience shapes our version of truth.
I recently attended a class at church called Brave Communication taught by Bethel's Dann Farrelly. It was only an intro, but he gave a couple pointers for what our mindset should be when going into a "confrontation." He said to seek first to understand, then to be understood. In other words, try to see where the other person is coming from. I think we often think people are being stupid and stubborn and we must convince them to see things our way. Maybe if we lost that initial mindset, we could consider the possibility that maybe they have a specific reason for believing the way they do. If we tried to understand, maybe we'd have a better chance of finding unity instead of having a win/lose outcome. This helps us when truth isn't the same for the two people involved. If I understand a person's experience that led them to their truth, I have a better chance of loving them in seeing their point of view. Listen first, don't just talk and force your own point.
We don't have to agree with someone to love them, if we did, we'd have no friends. It's ok to disagree with people, as long as we act in love. When disagreement equals hatred, we have a bigger problem on our hands. I see our culture believing that we must all agree on everything and it's tearing us apart. Do you see any benefit from all this fighting over issues? We are more divided than ever as a nation, trying to bully everyone into joining our "side." United States of America? Not anymore. We seriously need to lose our "us vs. them" mentality and start seeing ourselves as parts of a whole.
I believe that if we seek first to understand, we have a better chance of making a connection and building relationship and restoring our culture. A person who feels heard, feels safe and valued. A person who feels attacked in a debate will not be very open to hearing what you have to say, nor being convinced of what you say. I do not mean we should listen as a form of manipulation, but with a heart to build connections and find unity. I need serious help in this area! I want to grow. Who is with me?
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